Dissappointment and stress
Oh, everything has been so hectic the past few days. I mean to post every day but I’ve just been so tired…I did end up letting the kids go to the birthday party, because as much as I want to teach Scott a lesson about responsibility, I know how much my son loves seeing his cousin and didn’t want to deprive him of the opportunity. He wanted to bring them back Tuesday, I said no that doesn’t work for me because I’ll be having furniture delivered Tuesday, he says ok…then ends up calling me & saying his Dad is having a “nervous breakdown” which he says on a weekly basis I’m pretty sure that none of them even know the meaning of nervous break down because if it happens weekly then you’re just an over dramatic asshole, you’re not having a crisis. But whatever. So the furniture got delivered today, and I had to stay up waiting for Scott and the end all result of all this being that I called off work and told them my truck wouldn’t start because I hadn’t slept in 3 days and knew I couldn’t do it. The problem with doing things like this, for me, is that now I’m beating myself up with guilt and disappointment over it, so it’s not even worth it. On top of them riding my case pretty hard the past few days and the fact that I was supposed to be training someone last night all I can think of now is “what if i get fired? I have all these bills to pay!” ugh…life is kinda hard sometimes. I’d love to blame someone else for all this, but ultimately it’s really all my fault for letting myself be walked on, and not just sucking it up and going into work…but last time I went into work tired, it was NOT good, I was falling asleep all night long and ended up getting bitched at quite a few times. ugggghh…I really need a different job. I really do. The only problem being I have to find a job that will be at least equal or better pay than the one I’m at, which aren’t exactly easy for me to come by. Also, the fact that Josh and I only have the one car atm since he sold his camaro, which is the only reason why us both working, works right now because we go to the same place on the same shift. I guess I could always ride the bus, but that’s SUCH a hassle it takes 2-3 hours to get somwhere that should take a half hour-20 minutes. I need to make a list of all my responsibilities right now and prioritize and get some things taken care of…It’s becoming increasingly hard to remember it all on a day to day basis and we both really want to get to a point in life where everything is taken care of and we don’t have to worry and live paycheck to paycheck anymore, and with this furniture I’ll be building up some credit and if I can get all my overdue bills paid off from me and Scott’s relationship then I should be in pretty good standing…which is very neccessary because we NEED to buy a house and probably will only be able to afford a wedding by taking out some loans cause Lord Knows we don’t have any family to help with that expense. Was going to make some chili yesterday since Josh has been asking for it for a while and I’ve just been too tired to cook but we both ended up passing out pretty early, so I’m going to get started on the chili in the slow cooker and then I’ll make some cornbread & peanut butter cookies to go w/it (they’re his favorite) so everyone should be pretty happy….Also think I’ll try to do my nails, clean myself up, take a bath and clean the house since I have a little extra time now from my unscheduled day off. Tbh it’s a good thing I took the day off anyway because my stomache has been upset all night long…still worried about what the repurcussions will be though :(
Oh, side note, I’ve been reading some single parents boards as I have always done because it gives me perspective, you know, to look at things from an outside point of view…I always think about posting but then don’t so I’m mostly just a lurker…and I think from now on I’m just going to try really hard to ignore Scott’s drama and just be as cordial and proffessional with him as possible and not let him guilt me into things…I mean the man has no job, no bills or responsibilities other than himself, and I work 7 days a week and take care of 3 kids and a dog so why the hell am I losing sleep to work around HIS schedule? And he needs to start paying child support more consistantly because if not I’m seriously considering just signing him up for it legally, even though I probably still won’t get shit either way. Gonna have to push Shelby’s party back a week because I haven’t had the time to plan ANYthing yet! ugh!